I am Woman

I'm interrupting my Melbourne trip posts because of something that's been on my mind a fair bit lately.

There's been a lot of media coverage here in Australia lately about internet "trolls".  You know, the people who write absolutely horrible things on Twitter and Facebook and blogs that are the complete opposite of "building people up".  They get super personal, super rude, super critical, and downright bitchy!

I've mentioned before that I've joined the local CWA.  Last week I went to the combined AGM for the three closest towns, and the guest speaker talked about re-thinking how we can support the women in our area.  It got me thinking about what the CWA does, what the women around here do, what women and children here need, and how we might be able to meet those needs.

The other day I was speaking to one of the mums in town who is having a really hard time.  She's an awesome mum and an active member of our community, but she's feeling down and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  From what I understand, a part of her suffering is negative comments from other women.

Women are an incredibly strong force!  Individually, we stand up under immense pressures and carry on because it is necessary.

But as a group, we can be even more powerful!

Sometimes we use that power to pull each other down.  This is particularly apparent in High School, where groups of girls can give each other such a hard time.  As indicated above, we're really good at trolling too.

But I'm starting to wonder what might happen if we used this power to help each other up more often.

What if we gave each other big bear hugs more often?  Not just a little greeting, but the kind that makes trouble seem so much smaller.

What if we told others what great mums they are?  How their kids are turning out great and it's obvious that they're loved?

What if we complimented regularly?  Genuine compliments - as simple as, "that's a great colour on you", to deeper ones like, "I really appreciate how you go out of your way to make everyone else's life smoother".

What if women supported one another in every way they could think of, rather than bitching behind their backs and turning the world against them?

What if gossip sessions turned into planning sessions for how to make someone else's day?

I know there are so many groups trying to add happiness to the world.  I guess I'm just wondering how I can be a part of that in my little corner of the world.  And because I'm surrounded by awesome women, how I can include and encourage them too.

And I guess I wonder if women, being such a powerful force, can actually change the world!

Loved and lost

I just found out tonight that a friend of mine has died.  She died several months ago but I'm feeling awful that I didn't know and didn't have the opportunity to support her and those who loved her so much at the end of her life.

I've had so many wonderful people come in and out of my life.  I've lived in several towns and made friends with many, almost family with some.

But the reality of my life is that I've lost contact with people who have been incredibly dear to me.  And even though we have have Facebook and e-mail and Skype and relatively cheap phone calls, I have lost some of these connections.

The pragmatic part of me points out that it would be impossible to maintain the intensity of friendships that I have had.  I literally don't have enough time.

But I guess I just wanted to take this moment to say to those of you that read this post;

"Thank you for being my friend.  The times that we had are as rich and dear to me now as they were then.  I miss you and I am so grateful to have known you."

Life, love and the end of it all

I've watched a couple of movies over the past few days, and had a couple of conversations that have got me thinking about the big issues: life, love and death.

What's the meaning of life?  What makes a good life?
Is love the most important thing?  And if so, what does that look like?
What happens when you die?  What does it feel like?  And how come some people seem quite ready to go, while others are hanging on with every ounce of effort they have?

See?  The big issues!

And I'm not even going to attempt to answer any of those questions here because I suspect the answers are either unobtainable or completely individual.

But, because I have a blog, and because this is what I've been contemplating, I'll do a little bit of blurting and processing and see what we come up with :-D

We watched "Meet Joe Black" the other night.  I love that movie!  I love the concept of it, I love "death"'s naive, semi-vulnerable character, I love the presentation of the big themes of life.  I love the way they present the concept of a striking love that lasts a lifetime, where each knows the worst of the other and is still happy to hang around.

Which reminded me of a scene in "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams' character is recalling his dead wife.  He remembers all the odd, quirky habits that made her unique, and these were the things that he missed most about her.

Which got me thinking about the quirkiness of my husband and son.

The Big Fella snores... and I love it!  When we first got married I remember laying in bed next to him (weird concept, but we didn't sleep together until then) and trying to stifle my laughter as I listened to the unique rhythm of his breathing.  I love it!

I love the way he responds to books and movies.  I love his insatiable appetite for knowledge, and that his integrity and character mean I can trust him with my heart and my life.

I fell in love with my son the moment he was born (which is lucky for both of us or we might not have survived those first few years).  I'd never believed in the concept of love at first sight until then.  And I know not everyone has that experience.  But ever since that moment I have been privileged to discover my amazing Little Big Fella's quirks and personality.  I'm learning that, like his dad, he's not a follower.  He has a fantastic sense of humour.  He's a little bit precocious.  He is imaginative and sensitive and such a boy!

I am so privileged to have amazing people in my life!  Not just my boys, but friends (old and new) and family.

We watched "Eat, Pray, Love" this evening.  My favourite part of the movie is when she's in Italy because she experiences the amazing phenomena of friendship and family.  I am seriously lucky to have grown up in a wonderful family!  I am the oldest of four children and my parents are still together and very much in love, as are my grandparents.  My parents worked really hard to make sure we spoke to, and treated each other with respect.  Yep, we fought like siblings do, but we have always loved each other, and the impact of growing up in that environment is indescribable!

I also grew up in the church, which, for me was an extension of my family.  They supported and challenged me.  We had a lot of fun times together.  And every time we moved towns, the church was like an instant family wherever we went.

For me, life seems to be about people and your relationships with them.  When people get close to death, they seem to want to spend as much time as they can with the people they love.  And I'm guessing the more people you love, or the more you've invested in those relationships, the happier your life is and the more content you'll be when it comes to an end.

The long process of friendship

As I was growing up my family moved towns a couple of times.  I also lived overseas for a year.  With each new location I got to (had to?) start the long process of developing friends.


I've realised a few things about me and making friends through these experiences:

• Although I normally get along with people pretty much straight away, it generally takes me about 12 months to really feel at home with new friends, longer if we have infrequent contact
• After about 3 to 6 months the previous town no longer feels like home and I tend to feel home-less
• I can appear to be a bit of a snob initially.  I think this is because I tend to be a bit guarded until I get a feel for how new people or groups interact.  And I am a tiny bit shy in new situations (I know, some of you just won't believe that.  I've learned to override it a lot but it's still there making me uncertain to begin with).
• I think I am a bit of a chameleon in that I change to look like the group I'm in until I feel comfortable enough to really be myself.  I love it when I just click with someone and can be myself straight away though.

I've been watching myself as I meet new people and then run into them around the place here.  (Go the over-analytical part of me!)  I've deliberately tried to talk to people and introduce myself.  I've tried really hard to remember names, which is okay if I meet one or two people at a time but a bit harder in a group.  I've tried to join in conversation rather than just observe.  And I've tried to remember to ask questions about others and their life, rather than just making them lead the conversation.

I got to hang out for a while this afternoon with one of the mums I met at the local park.  It was so good to just spend time and have the kids playing happily together (mostly).  I found out a bit more about the area and how things work and what's here and so on.  And I discovered someone who enjoys making things from scratch like yoghurt and butter and cheesecake :-D!!!  I got to begin the long process of friendship.

So now I think it must be my turn to start having people over for a cuppa and a playdate and a chat and the start or development of friendship.  Because I don't want to get a few years down the track and feel like I know people but have no friends.  I think I deserve better than that... and so do they! ;-)

Going offline!!!

Well folks, it's time for me to pack up my computer for the move!  It's all happening and, while I felt pretty good this morning, this evening I'm feeling stressed that there's not enough done and the Big Fella will freak out about what's left when he gets here.


Ah well, it is what it is and will be done when it's done.  In theory I could pack and clean all night and all day tomorrow then totally crash at my grandparent's place tomorrow night, but I don't operate very well on no sleep.


I was reflecting today that sometimes, even when we're not moving, we don't realise we've already had our last conversation with someone who added something to our life.


For example, I won't get to talk to our garbage truck driver again but we've previously had mini conversations as the Little Big Fella insisted on going out twice a week to watch the rubbish truck.


Or the guy who works in the caravan park behind us and we used to chat to regularly.


Or the lady who sells Body Shop here and has a lovely daughter who she struggles with.


Or our neighbour who just moved in a month or so ago and invited the Little Big Fella over for a play today so that I could finish mowing.


People come in and out of our lives all the time, sometimes for a short time, or sometimes for a season.  They add to the richness of our lives in the smallest conversation or gesture, or sometimes they add a lot.


I enjoyed reflecting on the "people in my neighbourhood" (come on, are you humming it in your head yet???  Gotta love old school Sesame Street) today.  It made me smile and it reminded me of how grateful I am that life is not lived in isolation, but in community.


I'm looking forward to the new community we'll be becoming a part of.  I hope it's as good or better than this one!


Oh!!!!  You may remember I mentioned briefly about the Little Big Fella's first swimming lesson without me in the pool two weeks ago?  He bawled his eyes out and was completely morose for the whole class.  Last week he was better after a while, but needed encouragement to get in the pool.  Today he practically jumped in the pool with excitement!  It was so good to see him enjoying it so much.  And he's developed so much in these three lessons, which makes me really glad we did it.


Okay!  The truck's nearly here and I gotta cook dinner and then pack up the computer.  See you in a few days!!!!!!

15 sleeps to go!

The countdown is on!  Two weeks plus one day till we do the big drive and start in a new place.  I booked the truck today and everything is coming together.


And I gotta say, even though I'm excited and busy and whatever else, I'm also a little nervous.  Not about the physical move, or about living up there in a small, outback-ish town, but about the in-between getting-used-to-it-all part.


The Big Fella has been living away for about 6 months so we'll all need to get used to living together full-time again.


How will we go in a new Mum's Group/Playgroup?  New town?  Smaller shopping options?  Different way of collecting our mail?  New library?  Different climate, different demographics... just about everything will be different!


And the Little Big Fella is always shy and nervous around new places and new people.  Today we had his first swimming class without me in the pool (I figured that three classes is better than none) and he bawled for the first 5 minutes - inconsolably!  The teacher tried everything to get him to calm down enough so that he could participate (thankfully he was the only one in the class so he wasn't disrupting others' learning time), but no go.  And I went outside after about a minute, because I know that having me nearby can sometimes make him worse.


Eventually the head teacher came over and told him fairly sternly that he needed to stop crying.  And he did!  He looked so morose for the rest of the lesson and I felt awful (I was watching through the large windows from outside).  But when we got to the end of the class his teacher asked him if he'd had fun and he said yes!  She asked if he'd come back next week and he said yes as if it was a stupid question.


So I know he's fine and he will settle in okay, but it's the getting there that is making me nervous.  I'm pretty certain we'll make good friends and have some great life experiences because of living up there, but all that takes time and I guess I just think this part of the journey is going to be a little rougher than I like.


Ah well, nothing like a little roughness and difficulty to cause you to grow huh?

Hopes and regrets

As I've stated before, I've decided 2012 is my year to focus on the concept of happiness.  And thinking about this has also led me to ruminate about regret.


My hubby's cousin linked to an interesting article in her blog today about the regrets of the dying (she worked in palliative care).  I've read quite a few blogs recently discussing the same kinds of topics so I've been thinking about what I'm happy with in my life and what I'd like to change.


And that's part of the reason I'm quite excited to be moving.  Some of the changes we're aiming for in our new, small town definitely fit on my "makes me happy" list.  Growing food, keeping animals, lots of space for the Little Big Fella to run around in (and probably break bones and do all that particularly-boyish stuff).  I like this!  I'm looking forward to the possibility of going back to work and renewing and developing my skills.  And I hope that the small community will be an environment of mutual support (as well as the likely gossip and sticky beaking, which won't be as good).  Everything I've heard so far suggests that it's quite possible this will be the case.


On the negative side, I know I'm terrible at long-distance friendships.  I don't write or call, and if you're not on Facebook, I'm probably going to be fairly absent from your life.  And, although this is partially a pragmatic response to my previous experiences, it's not something I'm particularly happy about.  I've had some wonderful friends in places I've lived before, and I've "lost" them along the way, which makes me very sad.  Friends are such an important element of the substance of a happy life, and losing them through neglect is rather shite.  Can I improve with this move?  I wonder.  And I hope.


And, to be honest, I haven't been very good at making friends here.  I think I've been too shy and too backward in encouraging friendships.  I don't know that I've invited anyone over for dinner (other than family, and even then it was probably the Big Fella who actually did the inviting) in the 6 years we've lived here.  And I've rarely engaged people outside of work/mum's group/swimming.  And I've suffered because of it.  I haven't had made the opportunity to develop deeper, more meaningful relationships with people that I've clicked with, so have felt lonely when I might not otherwise have.


I'm fairly certain there'll be a few nods around the place on this one too - I'm too nice.  Sometimes I need to say what I really think, not shut up or phrase it in such a nice way that the real meaning (and feeling) is buried.  Because I'm not being true to myself, and I'm not giving others the chance to really know who I am.  I don't want to become rude, or obnoxious, or trample all over people, but I do want to define me and my space more clearly so that I don't get trampled (by accident, or on purpose).


I wonder if this year and this move will see me grow much, or if I'll be too afraid and just keep going the same way.  Will I really be happier by the end of 2012?

Leaving friends and loved ones

My family moved houses every 2nd year (on average) until I left home at 22.  In that, we moved towns 3 times and I lived in America for a year as well.  I'm kinda used to moving I guess.  And the Big Fella's dad was in the Air Force, so they moved a fair bit.  So he's kind of used to moving too.


But the part that's always sucky is leaving friends and loved ones.  It's hard on several fronts:


Firstly it's hard because I'll miss you!  Life here has been good and I've met so many wonderful people.  And I've been near my sister and her expanding family, and my grandparents, which has been awesome.


And it's hard because you'll miss us!  And your pain is very much in my mind as I see you all over the next few weeks.


And it's hard because I'm excited about the upcoming changes but you can't really be.  Sure, you can be excited for me, but it's not the same.  And when I'm excited, sometimes you feel like I can't wait to leave you (which isn't true).  I'm excited to live with my husband again.  I'm excited to live in a new location and all the potential positives that we'll get out of living there.  I think the Little Big Fella will thrive in the smaller community, and the small school in a few years.


And it's really important for me to be excited about the changes.  Moving is one of the top 5 most stressful things you can do in your life.  Without the excitement, it'd just be stressful and sad.


I guess that's the thing about moving towns though.  It's a very torn time - a time of "inbetweenity" (as my lecturer used to say).  Excitement, stress, sadness, nervousness - all at the same time!


Although I'll do this individually with lots of you, I'd like to say THANK YOU!  Thanks for being so lovely and welcoming and looking after me and my family while we've lived here.  Thank you for all the fun times and for helping me through the not-so-fun times.  Thanks for the hugs and the gifts and the words of encouragement and advice.  Thank you for supporting me when I did Tupperware and for keeping an eye out for me when I had my baby.  Without you, living here would not have been so good!

YOU

ARE

AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!