In the dark

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That's the sound of eight kids completely freaking out when the power went out last night.  But I need to describe it in a bit more detail for you, because a single scream really doesn't cut it.

We'd been watching the storm coming our way, and I'd picked up a couple of the girls who'd taken their cars home in fear of them being ruined by the hail we'd been told was coming.

The wind picked up and there was a bit of rain.  That was it!  Oh!  And lots of lightning, mostly without thunder.  Really, it was a bit of a fizzer of a storm.

We'd gotten together for a party plan, and most of us had to bring our kids.  The kids had been running around and getting completely revved up, but had moved inside and were watching a movie.

The rain had pretty much stopped when suddenly the power went out.

Now, most of our kids aren't overly fussed by storms.  Most of them aren't overly fond of them, but they don't tend to really freak out about them either.

But they'd been SO revved up already, and someone started screaming.  So they all joined in!  At first it sounded like they were playing initially, but then they managed to really freak themselves out and the screaming got more realistic.

What do us mums do?  Pull out our phones, of course!  I mean, is there a more accessible form of light these days?

Our hostess found a bunch of torches and candles and the kids played torch games and we chilled out, taking a mid-party break to have a drink and something to eat and, for some, a smoke.

A phone call to the electricity company determined that we could be waiting a while, because the fault was somewhere in a 100 kilometre (around abouts) stretch.  So we continued the party in the semi-light, as you do.

The lights came back on, to the cheers of the children, and we continued on our merry, partying way.

And I have to say, I have some nutty, awfully fun, friends!  Most of the funniest stuff I won't repeat because it definitely isn't G-rated.  But it was a great night, with a LOT of laughter, and those moments that join you together with the others around you.

And that's what I love most about living here - practically in the middle of nowhere!  When we get together, we have a good laugh and become even better friends.  And isn't that what life is all about?  That awesome sense of connection with others!

Where is the love?

I've seen two programs about trans-gender people recently.  In case you're not sure, trans-gender and those who are born with a male or female body, but internally believe themselves to be the other gender.

Let me say, right up front that I don't know any trans-gender people (that I know of), so I am not talking from a position of experience.

The thing that's struck me the most about both of the programs I've watched is the pain of the trans-gender person, and that of their parents.

The trans-gender people suffer from feeling like they're in the wrong body.

They suffer from being so completely different to the majority of society, in a world where difference is awkward or even a cause of abuse.

They suffer as they decide whether to try to make their body match their internal life, and if they do, they suffer from the operations and recovery of the physical changes.

They suffer guilt for feeling like they're deceiving those around them if they don't "fess up" to who they "really" are.

And the parents suffer too.  They suffer grief for the loss of the child they thought they had, even if they support them.  They suffer as their child is rejected by a cruel world.  They suffer for their child as they face complex relationship questions.

I watched a mother on the program this evening, standing with her arms crossed across her chest, telling her son-who-feels-like-a-daughter that she wouldn't call him/her a female name.  And I saw the child's soul crushed.

Later in the program the mother took that child shopping for girl's clothes in an attempt to rebuild the bridge over the chasm between them.

And as I sit here writing and reflecting my eyes are welling with tears.

Life is nowhere near black and white.  And whether you believe trans-gender people are who they say they are or not, the reality is that they are people.  And in all probability, they have suffered.  Greatly!

And my tears are not only for trans-gender people, but also for gay and lesbians.  Because, although they are much more accepted in society these days, there is still a great deal of fear and loathing.

And whether you believe anyone other than you is born that way, or whether you think their lifestyle is an abomination, or just plain weird, surely the thing that's most important, the issue that is first and foremost, is that they are human beings who suffer pain just like you and me.

You don't have to agree with them.  You don't have to join the Mardi Gras parade.  You don't have to do anything except treat others as human beings.  At the very least, be civil!  "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all".

Because by simply holding our tongues, or acknowledging the pain of another, we can make the world immeasurably better.

I am Woman

I'm interrupting my Melbourne trip posts because of something that's been on my mind a fair bit lately.

There's been a lot of media coverage here in Australia lately about internet "trolls".  You know, the people who write absolutely horrible things on Twitter and Facebook and blogs that are the complete opposite of "building people up".  They get super personal, super rude, super critical, and downright bitchy!

I've mentioned before that I've joined the local CWA.  Last week I went to the combined AGM for the three closest towns, and the guest speaker talked about re-thinking how we can support the women in our area.  It got me thinking about what the CWA does, what the women around here do, what women and children here need, and how we might be able to meet those needs.

The other day I was speaking to one of the mums in town who is having a really hard time.  She's an awesome mum and an active member of our community, but she's feeling down and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  From what I understand, a part of her suffering is negative comments from other women.

Women are an incredibly strong force!  Individually, we stand up under immense pressures and carry on because it is necessary.

But as a group, we can be even more powerful!

Sometimes we use that power to pull each other down.  This is particularly apparent in High School, where groups of girls can give each other such a hard time.  As indicated above, we're really good at trolling too.

But I'm starting to wonder what might happen if we used this power to help each other up more often.

What if we gave each other big bear hugs more often?  Not just a little greeting, but the kind that makes trouble seem so much smaller.

What if we told others what great mums they are?  How their kids are turning out great and it's obvious that they're loved?

What if we complimented regularly?  Genuine compliments - as simple as, "that's a great colour on you", to deeper ones like, "I really appreciate how you go out of your way to make everyone else's life smoother".

What if women supported one another in every way they could think of, rather than bitching behind their backs and turning the world against them?

What if gossip sessions turned into planning sessions for how to make someone else's day?

I know there are so many groups trying to add happiness to the world.  I guess I'm just wondering how I can be a part of that in my little corner of the world.  And because I'm surrounded by awesome women, how I can include and encourage them too.

And I guess I wonder if women, being such a powerful force, can actually change the world!

I am not a mind-reader

The other day I had a little rant about some of the ridiculous expectations we have of each other in relationships.

I feel the need to continue along that theme today.

Girls, guys are not girls and they definitely can't read your mind.  Most of the time they can't even read your moods.  So stop expecting them to!

If you want them to bring you flowers, ask them to.  Or even better, put it in their diary or phone.  That way they'll be more likely to actually do it.

If you don't like flowers because you hate watching them die in the vase and drop bits all over the table, let them know.

If you'd prefer a box of fancy chocolates, tell him!

If you're allergic to something, you absolutely need to make that clear :-D

Do you have an ideal in your mind of how a particular day needs to be?  Maybe on your birthday you want him to wake you up with a "Happy Birthday" and a cuppa.  Or maybe you just want to go out for dinner so that you don't have to cook and clean up.  Or maybe you want the whole shebang and more! If you don't let that poor fella know, you are going to be disappointed, possibly have a horrible day, and it's not going to be his fault.

Women (please note that this is a generalisation and therefore does not apply to everyone) seem to have developed a level of expectation that seems completely unrealistic.  Without giving their man any form of direction or instruction (and no, hints don't count - guys can't read hints either), girls start punishing him for not doing this or that.

Why would you set each other up for failure???

Don't you love him?  Do you want to have a harmonious relationship?  Then talk to him.  In clear, specific man-language.

If you want a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day, don't tell him you'd like some flowers then lose the plot at him for giving you a bunch of daffodils in March!  Men are not stupid, but they are not women and they are not mind-readers.

Guys, let me give you a couple of tips too.

You're a smart fella and you've worked out what the signs are for your partner's time of the month.  Be even smarter!  If she's upset, don't tell her why!  She knows.  But you telling her is likely to turn her into a snarling, clawed beast (in which case, you'd better run!!!).

And even though you want to fix things for her (because that's what guys do, right?), unless she's asking you for suggestions, she doesn't actually want you to tell her what needs to be done.  Unless she asks you, she probably already knows and just needs to vent.  It's part of the process for most women.  I know, guys don't do that!  But girls do, and if they need to do it and you're the person they choose to vent at, it's actually a privilege.  So just listen, nod and try to pay attention because there'll probably be information in that vent that is useful to you in future situations (eg. what bugs her, what might make her feel better... the inner workings of your woman's brain).

If she's crying, she most likely needs a hug.  And not a short, half-second pat-on-the-back.  A full arms and body hug for as long as it takes to stop crying, and then a little bit more.  You don't even need to say anything.  Just be with her while the storm passes.

I guess what I really want to say is that communicating clearly with one another in a relationship is so important.  But you need to understand how the other person works as well.  Because if you're effectively speaking Martian, and they only understand Saturnian, it's obviously not going to work. 

So find out how your partner understands the world.  Find out what makes them feel loved.  Discover as much as you can about how their brain works - what fires them up, what pisses them off, what calms them down, what relaxes them.  And keep discovering!  Because people change over time (just to make things slightly confusing!), but you, your partner and your relationship are worth the effort!