Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Today's full stop

Ah, bed time.

Kids hate it, adults daydream of it, insomniacs fear it.

I don't think I'm an insomniac, but recently I've found bed time... frustrating.

I go to bed much later than I ought to, then lay awake for too long, waking in the morning feeling somewhat less than refreshed.

And I think I may have discovered where my current problem with bed time is.

You see, bed time is a full stop to the day.  My American friends would say the period of the day.

It's the end.  Finito!  All done!  No more today!

And when my day feels insignificant, repetitive, boring, frustrating, lonely or whatever, I don't want it to end.

"What now?" I hear you say!  "You don't want your crappy day to end???  Are you crazy, woman???"

Well, possibly, but that's not the point of this particular post!

When I get to bed time and my day has been unsatisfactory for whatever reason, I don't want to put the full stop on it.  I stay up (often when I'm exhausted), hoping that I can put something that seems worthwhile, meaningful, purposeful into it before I let it go.

More often than not, I sit on the couch watching something I'm not overly interested in, or playing mindless games on my tablet, or scanning Facebook for something that will "make my day".

Don't get me wrong!  I don't expect every day to be amazing and interesting and meaningful.  That seems a bit unrealistic (even as a perfectionist).

And my husband and son are definitely worthwhile!

And I definitely appreciate my job and the adult interaction and sense of contribution I get from being there.

I guess there are just days where I feel like I've failed to live my life in a way that makes best use of my abilities, skills and talents.

I have a body that works almost perfectly, my mind is fairly sharp, I have financial resources, tons of compassion, I'm friendly, I can cook pretty well, I have a home that is comfortable and welcoming.

And some days I guess I get to bed time, to the full stop, and think to myself that I haven't given anywhere near what I can.  And when I get a series of these days in a row, or weeks, or months I start to feel like I'm failing as a human.

But then the obvious answer is to DO something!  Right?

But by the time I do the work and parenting thing, I have little energy left.  And I live in a small town, where most of the things that I might be interested in are run during the day, while I'm at work.

And then I wonder if I'm just letting excuses run my life.

But I don't have the energy to fight the excuses.

After thinking along these lines for a couple of days, I think I might have just signed myself up for a task that's bigger than I originally thought.  I hope it turns out to be good more than burdensome.  Either way it contributes, and means I'll meet some more people, and I can use my skills to help others.

Who knows!  Maybe I'll even be happy to put the full stop to more of my days!

Side note: I was watching TV too late the other night and MMA came on.  I watched three fights altogether, and while the blood made me cringe, I really liked watching the fights!  The skills they've developed, their speed and ability to maneuver each other is pretty impressive.  Reminded me of how much fun Tae Kwondo was last year.  Maybe I'll have to check out the local MMA training!

Monday, 4 April 2016

Against the grain

I'm pondering a little tonight.

I should really be in bed because tomorrow will be a big day, with a decent drive, lots of activity and an early start.

But, I'm pondering.

It seems that most of my life, I've run against the grain.

Growing up in a Christian home, I didn't believe the things most of the kids at school did.

As a pastor's daughter, there was often an element of separation from the rest of the congregation.

Being a people-pleaser, I didn't rebel like most of my friends during puberty.

Although I went to pubs and nightclubs, I never got the thrill out of it that others appeared to.  And New Year's Eve, well, Bah Humbug!

I like to drink sometimes, but I never aim to get drunk (which seems to be the entire purpose of drinking for most people in Australia).

And it feels like I'm one of the few mothers in our area who works full-time, so I'm not involved in the school pick-up, P&C, or any of the "standard" mother-y things.

The thing is, 99% of the time, I'm quite happy to go against the grain of "normal".  Even though I have down times, I love my life and the people I share it with!

As well as reflecting, I'm pondering if my against the grain-ness is a catalyst for something quite different.  Because of my difference, could I be or do something different?  (Of course I can, but will I?)