Monday, 16 July 2012

Selfishness and hurt

Sometimes I just need to be selfish.

Because if I don't insist on having some time just for me I wonder if I might hurt someone.  Probably not physically (I'm not especially strong like that), but I could do some pretty serious emotional damage if I tried.

Before we moved here the Little Big Fella went to family day care with Super Carer two days a week.  I got to do what I needed to do and sometimes even what I wanted to do.

But now I really am I full-time mum.

It's been really wet here over the last week.  And despite putting on our gumboots and going out whenever there was a break in the rain, my nerves had pretty much reached their end by yesterday.  I needed some time by myself to do whatever I wanted to do without being interrupted every 5 seconds by "Mum, what can I have to eat?".

Thankfully the Big Fella didn't start work until 3 this afternoon.  Even though I'd told him, I don't think he realised how much I needed a time out.

While trying to do my 15 minutes of exercise this morning the Little Big Fella decided he wanted to watch TV (I was exercising in the lounge room).  Because of the kind of exercise I was doing (intervals of 60 seconds of hard-as-you-can-go followed by 60 seconds of marching on the spot) I could hardly talk.  By the time I got to my 60 seconds of marching I was angry.

And I lost it.

I yelled at him to get out of the room.  It was MY turn!

He cried and I got angrier and told him to go to Daddy.  He cried more.

I don't feel bad for taking time to exercise, or for not letting him watch TV, but I feel bad now (I didn't at the time) because I was passive-aggressive with him and that's no good for anyone.

A little later Daddy took the Little Big Fella for a bike ride to the park for a while.  I got some time to myself.  I got to epilate and have a long, hot shower.  And this evening I've had a chance to read through and clean out my email inbox.

But my need for selfish time shouldn't hurt my family.

So obviously I need to learn to recognise better when I'm getting angst-y, communicate it better and make the time before I lose it at those I love.  They don't deserve that.  They deserve a me who looks after myself so that I can treat them with the respect and humanity they deserve.

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