Friday, 7 June 2013

I am not a mind-reader

The other day I had a little rant about some of the ridiculous expectations we have of each other in relationships.

I feel the need to continue along that theme today.

Girls, guys are not girls and they definitely can't read your mind.  Most of the time they can't even read your moods.  So stop expecting them to!

If you want them to bring you flowers, ask them to.  Or even better, put it in their diary or phone.  That way they'll be more likely to actually do it.

If you don't like flowers because you hate watching them die in the vase and drop bits all over the table, let them know.

If you'd prefer a box of fancy chocolates, tell him!

If you're allergic to something, you absolutely need to make that clear :-D

Do you have an ideal in your mind of how a particular day needs to be?  Maybe on your birthday you want him to wake you up with a "Happy Birthday" and a cuppa.  Or maybe you just want to go out for dinner so that you don't have to cook and clean up.  Or maybe you want the whole shebang and more! If you don't let that poor fella know, you are going to be disappointed, possibly have a horrible day, and it's not going to be his fault.

Women (please note that this is a generalisation and therefore does not apply to everyone) seem to have developed a level of expectation that seems completely unrealistic.  Without giving their man any form of direction or instruction (and no, hints don't count - guys can't read hints either), girls start punishing him for not doing this or that.

Why would you set each other up for failure???

Don't you love him?  Do you want to have a harmonious relationship?  Then talk to him.  In clear, specific man-language.

If you want a dozen red roses on Valentine's Day, don't tell him you'd like some flowers then lose the plot at him for giving you a bunch of daffodils in March!  Men are not stupid, but they are not women and they are not mind-readers.

Guys, let me give you a couple of tips too.

You're a smart fella and you've worked out what the signs are for your partner's time of the month.  Be even smarter!  If she's upset, don't tell her why!  She knows.  But you telling her is likely to turn her into a snarling, clawed beast (in which case, you'd better run!!!).

And even though you want to fix things for her (because that's what guys do, right?), unless she's asking you for suggestions, she doesn't actually want you to tell her what needs to be done.  Unless she asks you, she probably already knows and just needs to vent.  It's part of the process for most women.  I know, guys don't do that!  But girls do, and if they need to do it and you're the person they choose to vent at, it's actually a privilege.  So just listen, nod and try to pay attention because there'll probably be information in that vent that is useful to you in future situations (eg. what bugs her, what might make her feel better... the inner workings of your woman's brain).

If she's crying, she most likely needs a hug.  And not a short, half-second pat-on-the-back.  A full arms and body hug for as long as it takes to stop crying, and then a little bit more.  You don't even need to say anything.  Just be with her while the storm passes.

I guess what I really want to say is that communicating clearly with one another in a relationship is so important.  But you need to understand how the other person works as well.  Because if you're effectively speaking Martian, and they only understand Saturnian, it's obviously not going to work. 

So find out how your partner understands the world.  Find out what makes them feel loved.  Discover as much as you can about how their brain works - what fires them up, what pisses them off, what calms them down, what relaxes them.  And keep discovering!  Because people change over time (just to make things slightly confusing!), but you, your partner and your relationship are worth the effort!

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