Saturday, 31 August 2013

Escaping the darkness

I'm lying in the dark.

Exhausted, but I can't sleep.

The blanket of despair crawls up over me and I fear that I will never escape this horrid cycle.  I cry, slamming my fists into the covers.

I realise that I haven't brushed my teeth all day and I feel disgusted.  I force myself up to have a shower and brush my teeth.  But I leave the lights off - I don't want to see my red, puffy eyes.  I feel bad enough already.

I could call someone.  But I don't want their sympathy.  They can't do anything or give me answers.

Every.  Single.  Month.

Sometimes it's just cranky and snapping.  But sometimes it grows to this blanket of darkness that smothers me.

I feel broken.

And I know it will probably be okay tomorrow.  The hormonal storm will pass and all will be back to normal.  But why does it get so bad?  And will it ever get better?

I don't want to have to face the dark.  And if I must, I want to be able to walk through it rather than crawl or try to hide until it passes.

I could have 20 years before menopause.  Maybe even more!  Will it be like this until then?  Oh God!  I hope not!  I don't want to put my husband and son through that.

Today I wake up and all is well again, just as I suspected it would be.  I have escaped the darkness... for now.

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