I'm lying in the dark.
Exhausted, but I can't sleep.
The blanket of despair crawls up over me and I fear that I will never escape this horrid cycle. I cry, slamming my fists into the covers.
I realise that I haven't brushed my teeth all day and I feel disgusted. I force myself up to have a shower and brush my teeth. But I leave the lights off - I don't want to see my red, puffy eyes. I feel bad enough already.
I could call someone. But I don't want their sympathy. They can't do anything or give me answers.
Every. Single. Month.
Sometimes it's just cranky and snapping. But sometimes it grows to this blanket of darkness that smothers me.
I feel broken.
And I know it will probably be okay tomorrow. The hormonal storm will pass and all will be back to normal. But why does it get so bad? And will it ever get better?
I don't want to have to face the dark. And if I must, I want to be able to walk through it rather than crawl or try to hide until it passes.
I could have 20 years before menopause. Maybe even more! Will it be like this until then? Oh God! I hope not! I don't want to put my husband and son through that.
Today I wake up and all is well again, just as I suspected it would be. I have escaped the darkness... for now.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Saturday, 31 August 2013
Saturday, 18 May 2013
The secret's out
I've seen a few TV shows over the past few years that have disurbed me. They've shown young people out partying and having a good time.
Nothing disturbing about that, right?
WRONG!!!
Here's my secret (I suspect not many of you will be surprised by this):
I'm a prude.
I am an old-fashioned prude.
See, when I watch young people out drinking up a storm, or taking so-called "party drugs", or making out with whoever they happen to come into contact with, I don't think "there's the life!" I think "that's so sad!" and I wonder how they'll feel in the morning.
I've never been a big party-er (surprise, surprise!), although I have certainly been out partying. I love to dance!
I'm not a big drinker, although I have had enough to make the room spin uncomfortably, and I quite enjoy a glass of wine or two.
And I don't take drugs. In fact, I've never even smoked a cigarette (unless you count second hand smoke, which we all know can do as much damage).
Some people would say I've missed out. They could be right! But I guess I never got into the party scene because it always seemed so superficial to me. I could never see the point of kissing a guy I'd never see again. And attempting to make conversation when the music is louder than my own thoughts... well, let's just say it's not my cup of tea ;-)
I am one of those rare creatures who didn't sleep with anyone until I was married. I know! It's shocking, isn't it??? But I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I got to discover my sexuality with a man who loves me and won't reject me, regardless of what I do and don't like. I've never had to do "the walk of shame" and I've never felt guilty or uncomfortable about anything I've done.
I'm not saying that everyone whose experience is different to mine is wrong or bad or anything stupid like that. Just that this is my experience and matches my personality and background.
I am a prude.
And I reckon I might just be a little bit proud of that!
Nothing disturbing about that, right?
WRONG!!!
Here's my secret (I suspect not many of you will be surprised by this):
I'm a prude.
I am an old-fashioned prude.
See, when I watch young people out drinking up a storm, or taking so-called "party drugs", or making out with whoever they happen to come into contact with, I don't think "there's the life!" I think "that's so sad!" and I wonder how they'll feel in the morning.
I've never been a big party-er (surprise, surprise!), although I have certainly been out partying. I love to dance!
I'm not a big drinker, although I have had enough to make the room spin uncomfortably, and I quite enjoy a glass of wine or two.
And I don't take drugs. In fact, I've never even smoked a cigarette (unless you count second hand smoke, which we all know can do as much damage).
Some people would say I've missed out. They could be right! But I guess I never got into the party scene because it always seemed so superficial to me. I could never see the point of kissing a guy I'd never see again. And attempting to make conversation when the music is louder than my own thoughts... well, let's just say it's not my cup of tea ;-)
I am one of those rare creatures who didn't sleep with anyone until I was married. I know! It's shocking, isn't it??? But I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. I got to discover my sexuality with a man who loves me and won't reject me, regardless of what I do and don't like. I've never had to do "the walk of shame" and I've never felt guilty or uncomfortable about anything I've done.
I'm not saying that everyone whose experience is different to mine is wrong or bad or anything stupid like that. Just that this is my experience and matches my personality and background.
I am a prude.
And I reckon I might just be a little bit proud of that!
Monday, 22 April 2013
Loved and lost
I just found out tonight that a friend of mine has died. She died several months ago but I'm feeling awful that I didn't know and didn't have the opportunity to support her and those who loved her so much at the end of her life.
I've had so many wonderful people come in and out of my life. I've lived in several towns and made friends with many, almost family with some.
But the reality of my life is that I've lost contact with people who have been incredibly dear to me. And even though we have have Facebook and e-mail and Skype and relatively cheap phone calls, I have lost some of these connections.
The pragmatic part of me points out that it would be impossible to maintain the intensity of friendships that I have had. I literally don't have enough time.
But I guess I just wanted to take this moment to say to those of you that read this post;
"Thank you for being my friend. The times that we had are as rich and dear to me now as they were then. I miss you and I am so grateful to have known you."
I've had so many wonderful people come in and out of my life. I've lived in several towns and made friends with many, almost family with some.
But the reality of my life is that I've lost contact with people who have been incredibly dear to me. And even though we have have Facebook and e-mail and Skype and relatively cheap phone calls, I have lost some of these connections.
The pragmatic part of me points out that it would be impossible to maintain the intensity of friendships that I have had. I literally don't have enough time.
But I guess I just wanted to take this moment to say to those of you that read this post;
"Thank you for being my friend. The times that we had are as rich and dear to me now as they were then. I miss you and I am so grateful to have known you."
Friday, 26 October 2012
Neutered!
Our dogs turned 9 months this week. Ever since they were about 6 months I've been meaning to make an appointment with the vet to get them both de-sexed. I'm not anti-puppies per se, but brother and sister puppies...
Well, I hadn't gotten around to it. The Big Fella was understandably a little annoyed about it but every time I remembered it was after hours or on the weekend and the reminders I put in my phone always came when I couldn't do anything about it too (and my snooze function is as useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret http://www.bored.com/findcliches/stupidpeople.htm).
So a couple of months have passed.
Yesterday, it became obvious that we need to get them de-sexed ASAP! So I made the appointment for Frankie and they were able to fit him in today.
This morning I wasn't allowed to feed Frankie so Choccie had to wait too. They were obviously rather hungry (we'd moved a big rock over the hole in the back fence and I suspect they've been eating the dogs' food from over there for a little while). I felt bad for them but we had to follow the doctor's orders.
Around 11 this morning we bundled Frankie into the car. This was stressful for him on two levels; 1) he hates being picked up and the car is too tall for him to just jump in, and 2) he hates going in the car! Poor little fella!
On the way we collected the mail then ran into the Big Fella! He'd just finished work so we picked him up ;-)
At the vet Frankie was definitely stressed out! Our dogs don't yet walk with a leash - Frankie is the worst because he just sits and refuses to budge! So I had to carry him inside and he obviously knew that it wasn't going to be a fun place to visit.
As an aside, there was a lovely dog behind the counter with the lady. He was probably a Great Dane or similar and he only had one eye. He was really calm and gentle, but also curious about us.
We did the paperwork and so on then left, with Frankie's plaintive barking in the background.
The Little Big Fella lost the plot. On reflection I didn't really prepare him very well. As soon as we were outside he started crying, saying that he missed his dog Frankie. I tried to explain that the vet would look after Frankie and that we'd be able to pick him up in the afternoon but the Little Big Fella was not mollified.
15 minutes later!!!
By this time I was getting a bit sick of the drama. Yep, sometimes I can be a cold, heartless, callous mother. But I'd spent the last 15 minutes trying to explain and soothe and calm him down. And he'd stop for a minute or two, then start all over again.
So now it was time for the serious Mummy voice.
I told him that it was okay to be sad, and to miss his dog, but now it was time to stop crying. And every time he started to look like he was going to start crying again, I'd remind him, "you can be sad, but no more crying".
Writing it out like this makes me feel like a horrible parent! But if we'd had to put the dog down or something serious like that, I would have dealt with it a bit differently I guess. The reality is, the dog was only going to the vet for a few hours, and even though the Little Big Fella doesn't fully understand, I feel like it's important for him to learn a little bit of self-control because he does tend to over-dramatise his sadness, possibly tending toward self-pity. And that's not something I can allow to continue as a parent who's attempting to prepare her son for life.
Anyway, we went home and had lunch and watched movies and talked to the chickens and whatever else then called the vet and found out that Frankie was awake and should be okay to go home by the time we got there.
Back into the car and off to collect our little boy.
The vet was SO lovely! We hadn't actually met him this morning, but when I met him this afternoon I was really happy to have this man looking after my dog. He is an older man, probably in his 60s, and seems to have the sweetest disposition. The way he held Frankie and the way he spoke to me was really encouraging and respectful. There was no recrimination (turns out Frankie (and therefore Choccie, I guess) hadn't been vaccinated completely), just an obvious care for my dog.
So we brought Frankie home. Notably, Frankie was quite happy to be picked up and just about jumped into the car!!! At home Choccie was quite happy to see her brother, and very interested in his new smells.
For his part, Frankie was happy to see her, then just plain tired. He obviously wanted to play, but just didn't have the energy for it today. So we put the sheet from his travel basket (read washing basket) in the downstairs area and he happily went and lay down on it.
Even when I went out to bring in the washing, Frankie came out to see me but started shaking after a minute or two. He just couldn't hold himself up any longer. So I sat down and he jumped on my lap and we had a cuddle and a pat for a while. Then I took him back to his "blanket" and he went back to sleep.
Apparently he'll be back to his normal self in the morning and then we'll take him back to the vet next week to get the stitches out.
I guess we'll have to get Choccie done soon too!!!
Well, I hadn't gotten around to it. The Big Fella was understandably a little annoyed about it but every time I remembered it was after hours or on the weekend and the reminders I put in my phone always came when I couldn't do anything about it too (and my snooze function is as useful as a cheese sandwich to a drowning ferret http://www.bored.com/findcliches/stupidpeople.htm).
So a couple of months have passed.
Yesterday, it became obvious that we need to get them de-sexed ASAP! So I made the appointment for Frankie and they were able to fit him in today.
This morning I wasn't allowed to feed Frankie so Choccie had to wait too. They were obviously rather hungry (we'd moved a big rock over the hole in the back fence and I suspect they've been eating the dogs' food from over there for a little while). I felt bad for them but we had to follow the doctor's orders.
Around 11 this morning we bundled Frankie into the car. This was stressful for him on two levels; 1) he hates being picked up and the car is too tall for him to just jump in, and 2) he hates going in the car! Poor little fella!
On the way we collected the mail then ran into the Big Fella! He'd just finished work so we picked him up ;-)
At the vet Frankie was definitely stressed out! Our dogs don't yet walk with a leash - Frankie is the worst because he just sits and refuses to budge! So I had to carry him inside and he obviously knew that it wasn't going to be a fun place to visit.
As an aside, there was a lovely dog behind the counter with the lady. He was probably a Great Dane or similar and he only had one eye. He was really calm and gentle, but also curious about us.
We did the paperwork and so on then left, with Frankie's plaintive barking in the background.
The Little Big Fella lost the plot. On reflection I didn't really prepare him very well. As soon as we were outside he started crying, saying that he missed his dog Frankie. I tried to explain that the vet would look after Frankie and that we'd be able to pick him up in the afternoon but the Little Big Fella was not mollified.
15 minutes later!!!
By this time I was getting a bit sick of the drama. Yep, sometimes I can be a cold, heartless, callous mother. But I'd spent the last 15 minutes trying to explain and soothe and calm him down. And he'd stop for a minute or two, then start all over again.
So now it was time for the serious Mummy voice.
I told him that it was okay to be sad, and to miss his dog, but now it was time to stop crying. And every time he started to look like he was going to start crying again, I'd remind him, "you can be sad, but no more crying".
Writing it out like this makes me feel like a horrible parent! But if we'd had to put the dog down or something serious like that, I would have dealt with it a bit differently I guess. The reality is, the dog was only going to the vet for a few hours, and even though the Little Big Fella doesn't fully understand, I feel like it's important for him to learn a little bit of self-control because he does tend to over-dramatise his sadness, possibly tending toward self-pity. And that's not something I can allow to continue as a parent who's attempting to prepare her son for life.
Anyway, we went home and had lunch and watched movies and talked to the chickens and whatever else then called the vet and found out that Frankie was awake and should be okay to go home by the time we got there.
Back into the car and off to collect our little boy.
The vet was SO lovely! We hadn't actually met him this morning, but when I met him this afternoon I was really happy to have this man looking after my dog. He is an older man, probably in his 60s, and seems to have the sweetest disposition. The way he held Frankie and the way he spoke to me was really encouraging and respectful. There was no recrimination (turns out Frankie (and therefore Choccie, I guess) hadn't been vaccinated completely), just an obvious care for my dog.
So we brought Frankie home. Notably, Frankie was quite happy to be picked up and just about jumped into the car!!! At home Choccie was quite happy to see her brother, and very interested in his new smells.
For his part, Frankie was happy to see her, then just plain tired. He obviously wanted to play, but just didn't have the energy for it today. So we put the sheet from his travel basket (read washing basket) in the downstairs area and he happily went and lay down on it.
Even when I went out to bring in the washing, Frankie came out to see me but started shaking after a minute or two. He just couldn't hold himself up any longer. So I sat down and he jumped on my lap and we had a cuddle and a pat for a while. Then I took him back to his "blanket" and he went back to sleep.
Apparently he'll be back to his normal self in the morning and then we'll take him back to the vet next week to get the stitches out.
I guess we'll have to get Choccie done soon too!!!
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Birthday? So what!
When I went to bed last night, exhausted almost to the point of collapse (the Little Big Fella had been hard work), the last thing the Big Fella said to me was something about it being my birthday tomorrow.
In typical melancholy style, I looked around and saw the dishes all over the kitchen, thought of the washing that needed doing and the toddler who would need my attention and thought, "what's so good about having a birthday as an adult anyway?"
I knew what my present was and, despite requesting it, doubted that it would be wrapped or that there would be a card (oh ye of little faith).
I knew there would be no cake unless I made it (although, I'd rather some fruit and yoghurt anyway).
And I knew that the main responsibility of caring for our son would be mine.
What's the point? What is it that makes a birthday different to any other day of the year, now that I'm an adult and a mum?
And with that depressing thought I went to sleep.
I woke early this morning (early equals before 7 these days, which is awesome compared to the 4:30/5am starts I was getting at the start of the year!), crept into the kitchen and made some breakfast (ignoring the dishes that were still all over the place) and crept back to the office to catch up on some blog reading and such.
I got a whole hour to myself!
For those of you that didn't catch that (or the fact that it's a big deal) I'll repeat it. I got a whole hour to myself!!!
The Little Big Fella didn't wake up until just before 8! I got a whole hour to read and type and do whatever without interruption!!! Amazing! And just what the doctor ordered.
When the Little Big Fella did wake up, he didn't get up straight away, but put his DVD player on and watched a little bit of Tigger and Pooh so I got myself ready and went downstairs for a workout. Although I had a couple of interruptions, I got my workout done (and worked hard I have to say) then came up to find the Big Fella awake and asking for a coffee.
I looked at the time and realised we were going to be late for Music Makers. I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago - it's a class for pre-school kids and they're learning various musical terms, using various instruments and a microphone, and doing some basic dance/coordination moves. Yesterday I'd asked the Little Big Fella if he wanted to go to playgroup or Music Makers and he emphatically chose Music Makers so that's where we went today.
On our way out of town (Music Makers is in the town 15 minutes away) we stopped at the "post office" (the CWA hall) and collected the mail. Yay! A parcel from my in-laws (a ballet-based workout DVD - I'm looking forward to checking that out), and a card and cheque from my Oma-in-law. You know, I love modern modes of communication like e-mail and Facebook. But I love getting stuff in the mail! It may be because anything in the mail that isn't a bill is normally fun, or it might go back to childhood and the rarity of getting anything in the mail at all, but whatever it is, I love it!
The Little Big Fella got nervous as soon as he saw the other kids at Music Makers. But we went in and again I got to sit on the floor with his heavy butt on my lap. Seriously, he's getting really heavy and my ankle bones were being squished on the wooden floor!!!
He was all shy and only kind of participating until about half way through when he said he wanted to go. You bet I rolled my eyes! I told him the class wasn't finished and we couldn't go until it was done and he cracked the sads and went and sat on the chair on the side. Sigh. I tried to talk him in to joining everyone again but it wasn't going to happen. I didn't think it was ultimately a good idea to "make" him so I let him be and about 5 minutes later he was ready to re-join the class. And he really joined in this time. He danced and played and talked in the microphone. The silly thing is that I think he loves it, but his shyness beats him to start with. But he's always been shy in new places and with new people so we'll just give him time to settle in and see what happens.
Last time we did the shopping I'd promised the Little Big Fella that we could go to the new park he'd spotted across the road from the supermarket. He reminded me after Music Makers, and because we didn't have a schedule to keep I agreed we could go. Unfortunately, the swing seats were too hot - black rubber in the direct sunlight is a good recipe for burned bum! So we wandered around but he'd lost a little enthusiasm.
My sister and nephews happened to call just then so we all had a chat until my nephews started losing the plot and needed to go to bed for a nap.
Next was some shopping then home again, home again, jiggety jig!
On the way home my Nanna called so we had a little chat to her too.
When we got home the Big Fella had obviously spent a fair portion of the morning cleaning up. The kitchen was clean and lots of things had been put away. And there on the coffee table was a beautifully wrapped present! Wrapped in paper that the Little Big Fella had painted a few weeks ago! And a card with some lovely things written in it by the Big Fella, and he'd helped the Little Big Fella write in it too! If we did brownie points in our house, the Big Fella would have had a basket full for that! Instead he had to put up with hugs and kisses and thank yous and some pretty impressive gratitude :-)
He then suggested that we contact everyone and invite them to the local pub for a drink or two in the late afternoon, his shout. So the texts and Facebook message went out and just before 4 we headed off. (Oh! In the meantime we'd also made some pepperoni! More on that in a future post.)
We'd intended to be at the pub for about an hour or so. But, see, when people are around and everyone is having a good time it's no fun to quit! So we stayed... and stayed... and stayed... and had dinner :-D I had a great time talking to some of the girls that I've met here, even talking about some non-mum topics! The Big Fella had a great time talking to some of the guys that were around the place, including the new bar manager and the kitchen staff. And the Little Big Fella had fun playing really nicely (mostly) with his friends, and talking to the poor man playing the pokies who got to explain that toys don't come out of those machines before we pulled him away.
Oh! And the Little Big Fella got to have a whole can of Coke for the first time ever! Occasionally he gets the dregs of the can from the Big Fella, but he rarely has soft drink (soda/pop) at all, let alone a whole can of Coke. Thankfully there were other kids there to play with or the afternoon/evening would have taken a completely different turn!
Eventually we left the pub and dropped in on some friends on the way home (the Big Fella had borrowed a mincer for his pepperoni). By this time the Little Big Fella was starting to come down from his Coke high so we headed home pretty quickly.
And since then I've had the chance to talk to my youngest sister and my parents on the phone too. I miss my family, but talking to them on the phone is so much better than nothing! (I'm getting all teary!)
So my day, which yesterday looked like it was going to be the same as any other day (or worse) turned out to be lots of fun, with lots of little surprises, and I felt special and like my being in the world is worth all the pain my mum went through. And I guess that's the point of a birthday for me as an adult. It's not about presents, or even a party like it was as a kid. It's about contact with people who think you're special and take the time to let you know, in both big and small ways. And if you get to spend time with those people, that's even better!!!
In typical melancholy style, I looked around and saw the dishes all over the kitchen, thought of the washing that needed doing and the toddler who would need my attention and thought, "what's so good about having a birthday as an adult anyway?"
I knew what my present was and, despite requesting it, doubted that it would be wrapped or that there would be a card (oh ye of little faith).
I knew there would be no cake unless I made it (although, I'd rather some fruit and yoghurt anyway).
And I knew that the main responsibility of caring for our son would be mine.
What's the point? What is it that makes a birthday different to any other day of the year, now that I'm an adult and a mum?
And with that depressing thought I went to sleep.
I woke early this morning (early equals before 7 these days, which is awesome compared to the 4:30/5am starts I was getting at the start of the year!), crept into the kitchen and made some breakfast (ignoring the dishes that were still all over the place) and crept back to the office to catch up on some blog reading and such.
I got a whole hour to myself!
For those of you that didn't catch that (or the fact that it's a big deal) I'll repeat it. I got a whole hour to myself!!!
The Little Big Fella didn't wake up until just before 8! I got a whole hour to read and type and do whatever without interruption!!! Amazing! And just what the doctor ordered.
When the Little Big Fella did wake up, he didn't get up straight away, but put his DVD player on and watched a little bit of Tigger and Pooh so I got myself ready and went downstairs for a workout. Although I had a couple of interruptions, I got my workout done (and worked hard I have to say) then came up to find the Big Fella awake and asking for a coffee.
I looked at the time and realised we were going to be late for Music Makers. I mentioned this a couple of weeks ago - it's a class for pre-school kids and they're learning various musical terms, using various instruments and a microphone, and doing some basic dance/coordination moves. Yesterday I'd asked the Little Big Fella if he wanted to go to playgroup or Music Makers and he emphatically chose Music Makers so that's where we went today.
On our way out of town (Music Makers is in the town 15 minutes away) we stopped at the "post office" (the CWA hall) and collected the mail. Yay! A parcel from my in-laws (a ballet-based workout DVD - I'm looking forward to checking that out), and a card and cheque from my Oma-in-law. You know, I love modern modes of communication like e-mail and Facebook. But I love getting stuff in the mail! It may be because anything in the mail that isn't a bill is normally fun, or it might go back to childhood and the rarity of getting anything in the mail at all, but whatever it is, I love it!
The Little Big Fella got nervous as soon as he saw the other kids at Music Makers. But we went in and again I got to sit on the floor with his heavy butt on my lap. Seriously, he's getting really heavy and my ankle bones were being squished on the wooden floor!!!
He was all shy and only kind of participating until about half way through when he said he wanted to go. You bet I rolled my eyes! I told him the class wasn't finished and we couldn't go until it was done and he cracked the sads and went and sat on the chair on the side. Sigh. I tried to talk him in to joining everyone again but it wasn't going to happen. I didn't think it was ultimately a good idea to "make" him so I let him be and about 5 minutes later he was ready to re-join the class. And he really joined in this time. He danced and played and talked in the microphone. The silly thing is that I think he loves it, but his shyness beats him to start with. But he's always been shy in new places and with new people so we'll just give him time to settle in and see what happens.
Last time we did the shopping I'd promised the Little Big Fella that we could go to the new park he'd spotted across the road from the supermarket. He reminded me after Music Makers, and because we didn't have a schedule to keep I agreed we could go. Unfortunately, the swing seats were too hot - black rubber in the direct sunlight is a good recipe for burned bum! So we wandered around but he'd lost a little enthusiasm.
My sister and nephews happened to call just then so we all had a chat until my nephews started losing the plot and needed to go to bed for a nap.
Next was some shopping then home again, home again, jiggety jig!
On the way home my Nanna called so we had a little chat to her too.
When we got home the Big Fella had obviously spent a fair portion of the morning cleaning up. The kitchen was clean and lots of things had been put away. And there on the coffee table was a beautifully wrapped present! Wrapped in paper that the Little Big Fella had painted a few weeks ago! And a card with some lovely things written in it by the Big Fella, and he'd helped the Little Big Fella write in it too! If we did brownie points in our house, the Big Fella would have had a basket full for that! Instead he had to put up with hugs and kisses and thank yous and some pretty impressive gratitude :-)
He then suggested that we contact everyone and invite them to the local pub for a drink or two in the late afternoon, his shout. So the texts and Facebook message went out and just before 4 we headed off. (Oh! In the meantime we'd also made some pepperoni! More on that in a future post.)
We'd intended to be at the pub for about an hour or so. But, see, when people are around and everyone is having a good time it's no fun to quit! So we stayed... and stayed... and stayed... and had dinner :-D I had a great time talking to some of the girls that I've met here, even talking about some non-mum topics! The Big Fella had a great time talking to some of the guys that were around the place, including the new bar manager and the kitchen staff. And the Little Big Fella had fun playing really nicely (mostly) with his friends, and talking to the poor man playing the pokies who got to explain that toys don't come out of those machines before we pulled him away.
Oh! And the Little Big Fella got to have a whole can of Coke for the first time ever! Occasionally he gets the dregs of the can from the Big Fella, but he rarely has soft drink (soda/pop) at all, let alone a whole can of Coke. Thankfully there were other kids there to play with or the afternoon/evening would have taken a completely different turn!
Eventually we left the pub and dropped in on some friends on the way home (the Big Fella had borrowed a mincer for his pepperoni). By this time the Little Big Fella was starting to come down from his Coke high so we headed home pretty quickly.
And since then I've had the chance to talk to my youngest sister and my parents on the phone too. I miss my family, but talking to them on the phone is so much better than nothing! (I'm getting all teary!)
So my day, which yesterday looked like it was going to be the same as any other day (or worse) turned out to be lots of fun, with lots of little surprises, and I felt special and like my being in the world is worth all the pain my mum went through. And I guess that's the point of a birthday for me as an adult. It's not about presents, or even a party like it was as a kid. It's about contact with people who think you're special and take the time to let you know, in both big and small ways. And if you get to spend time with those people, that's even better!!!
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
10 steps back?
I feel like I felt in the latter part of last year, before I began my happiness project, and it feels like crap. I'm down, I'm completely impatient with my son, I'm frustrated by everything and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though I know it's probably there.
And no, I don't think it's just today, or hormones, or even the rain that just won't go away.
So, back to the old drawing board. What can I do to get out of this funk?
Stop sighing, start smiling, fake it until I make it. But I don't have the energy to do that.
Get enough sleep, take some time to myself.
Remember what I'm grateful for (that's normally a good one!).
Hmmm, I'm grateful for a cheap place to live and the Big Fella's wages so we can get ourselves into a better financial position.
I'm grateful for the weight I'm losing and that the Big Fella is noticing it (he said yesterday that the roll on my back seems to be gone - isn't he a charmer ;-) )
I'm grateful that my son is pretty easy to entertain most of the time and that he wants to spend time with his parents.
I'm grateful for friends, old and new, who look out for me and try their darndest to pick me up and help me out.
I'm grateful for an old fashioned country town where everyone looks out for each other.
I'm grateful for heating and undercover washing lines.
I'm grateful for a husband who loves me and does everything he can to provide for me in every way, including making time to give me a break when I'm losing the plot. And I love how he has a go at so many things and normally does a really good job of it. Honey, you're amazing and I love you and the spark and interest you add to life!
I'm grateful for the fact I can read and write and have access to the internet :-D
I'm grateful for my awesome family. Even though we don't get to see each other as much as we might like, and we're all pretty bad at phone calls, there is a deep well of love between each of us (getting teary) and I know I will always be able to count on them. I love you guys!!!
I'm grateful for the healthcare system we have. Even though it's not perfect, we're generally well looked after and money doesn't stop you getting care.
Yeah, I have a lot to be grateful for.
And no, I don't think it's just today, or hormones, or even the rain that just won't go away.
So, back to the old drawing board. What can I do to get out of this funk?
Stop sighing, start smiling, fake it until I make it. But I don't have the energy to do that.
Get enough sleep, take some time to myself.
Remember what I'm grateful for (that's normally a good one!).
Hmmm, I'm grateful for a cheap place to live and the Big Fella's wages so we can get ourselves into a better financial position.
I'm grateful for the weight I'm losing and that the Big Fella is noticing it (he said yesterday that the roll on my back seems to be gone - isn't he a charmer ;-) )
I'm grateful that my son is pretty easy to entertain most of the time and that he wants to spend time with his parents.
I'm grateful for friends, old and new, who look out for me and try their darndest to pick me up and help me out.
I'm grateful for an old fashioned country town where everyone looks out for each other.
I'm grateful for heating and undercover washing lines.
I'm grateful for a husband who loves me and does everything he can to provide for me in every way, including making time to give me a break when I'm losing the plot. And I love how he has a go at so many things and normally does a really good job of it. Honey, you're amazing and I love you and the spark and interest you add to life!
I'm grateful for the fact I can read and write and have access to the internet :-D
I'm grateful for my awesome family. Even though we don't get to see each other as much as we might like, and we're all pretty bad at phone calls, there is a deep well of love between each of us (getting teary) and I know I will always be able to count on them. I love you guys!!!
I'm grateful for the healthcare system we have. Even though it's not perfect, we're generally well looked after and money doesn't stop you getting care.
Yeah, I have a lot to be grateful for.
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Sad, shopping, boys
I'm doing my post earlier today in the hope that it'll actually get done :-D
This week has been pretty average in a lot of ways. The biggest thing being hormones kicking me in the guts then beating me around the head while I was down!!! I don't recall ever being so affected by hormones! I think I cried (as in bawled my eyes out uncontrollably) 3 or 4 times in one day. And pretty much the sole content of my thoughts were along the lines of one of the following: I'm fat, my clothes suck, I'm a terrible mum, I'm a rotten housekeeper, I'm lazy, I'm a terrible wife, I'm a horrible person... and probably a couple others in there too.
Now (Mum, this is especially for you) even in the middle of this horrible emotional self-beating, I was aware of the fact that it was the fault of hormones and that I'm not a terrible person, mother, wife etc. But being aware didn't make any difference at the time. All I could do was hope it would be over soon.
And it was. I texted my best friend, got a big hug from the Big Fella when he woke up, got a chance to clean up the bomb fallout in my house, and ate a delicious dark chocolate Cherry Ripe! Mmmmm, chocolate! Even when you're changing your eating habits, sometimes chocolate is necessary ;-)
So yesterday and today have been much better and the hormones will give me a break for at least a month (I hope!).
This morning I decided we needed to drive to the major town an hour away. We had to return the DVD player that won't communicate with our TV because it's not digital. We also have two birthday parties to go to this week so I thought I'd combine the lot and have a quick trip out with the Little Big Fella while the Big Fella was still at work.
It was a good trip actually! I got nearly everything done (I forgot to fill scripts, but that can be done nearby), got a new DVD player that does talk to our TV, presents for the parties, a Superman outfit for the Little Big Fella to wear to the parties (they're both superhero themed and he likes to dress up), some stuff for the Big Fella, a new jumper (sweatshirt for my USA friends) for me, and some seafood from the awesome big, new supermarket! That was a big sentence. Sorry.
When we got back the Big Fella was already home from work and had gone out for a quick ride on his motorbike. He and the Little Big Fella have had a definite boys afternoon. They've done the first stage of making jerky. They've washed the motorbike. They've gone to the tip. They've gone out to check the sights on a gun. They're currently out helping a guy and this evening they'll go to the local footy together (I'll be selling stuff in the canteen).
I love when they spend time together doing "blokey" stuff. It's so good for both of them!
And I get time to do the dishes and write a blog post :-p
This week has been pretty average in a lot of ways. The biggest thing being hormones kicking me in the guts then beating me around the head while I was down!!! I don't recall ever being so affected by hormones! I think I cried (as in bawled my eyes out uncontrollably) 3 or 4 times in one day. And pretty much the sole content of my thoughts were along the lines of one of the following: I'm fat, my clothes suck, I'm a terrible mum, I'm a rotten housekeeper, I'm lazy, I'm a terrible wife, I'm a horrible person... and probably a couple others in there too.
Now (Mum, this is especially for you) even in the middle of this horrible emotional self-beating, I was aware of the fact that it was the fault of hormones and that I'm not a terrible person, mother, wife etc. But being aware didn't make any difference at the time. All I could do was hope it would be over soon.
And it was. I texted my best friend, got a big hug from the Big Fella when he woke up, got a chance to clean up the bomb fallout in my house, and ate a delicious dark chocolate Cherry Ripe! Mmmmm, chocolate! Even when you're changing your eating habits, sometimes chocolate is necessary ;-)
So yesterday and today have been much better and the hormones will give me a break for at least a month (I hope!).
This morning I decided we needed to drive to the major town an hour away. We had to return the DVD player that won't communicate with our TV because it's not digital. We also have two birthday parties to go to this week so I thought I'd combine the lot and have a quick trip out with the Little Big Fella while the Big Fella was still at work.
It was a good trip actually! I got nearly everything done (I forgot to fill scripts, but that can be done nearby), got a new DVD player that does talk to our TV, presents for the parties, a Superman outfit for the Little Big Fella to wear to the parties (they're both superhero themed and he likes to dress up), some stuff for the Big Fella, a new jumper (sweatshirt for my USA friends) for me, and some seafood from the awesome big, new supermarket! That was a big sentence. Sorry.
When we got back the Big Fella was already home from work and had gone out for a quick ride on his motorbike. He and the Little Big Fella have had a definite boys afternoon. They've done the first stage of making jerky. They've washed the motorbike. They've gone to the tip. They've gone out to check the sights on a gun. They're currently out helping a guy and this evening they'll go to the local footy together (I'll be selling stuff in the canteen).
I love when they spend time together doing "blokey" stuff. It's so good for both of them!
And I get time to do the dishes and write a blog post :-p
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
The first goodbye
This will probably sound strange, but it's finally hit me that we're leaving. Despite all the packing and cleaning and planning (or perhaps because of it), and despite the many previous moving experiences, I hadn't really emotionally connected with the fact that there are people we will be leaving that we aren't likely to see again.
This morning we caught up with a friend and her two girls at a local park. My sister and her two boys ended up joining us too. When it was time to go my friend gave me a card and a hug, wished us good luck and reminded me to let her know when we're in town so we can make a play date.
And it suddenly hit me; this is my first goodbye.
And it made me sad.
Then I realised there are going to be more goodbyes over the next two weeks. And that made me sad too.
This afternoon we went and visited Poppy. He took the Little Big Fella around on the tractors and let him play with his remote control helicopter (even though the Little Big Fella thinks the point of it is to make it crash). And we had a cuppa and a cake. And we felt the coming separation and it was sad.
And it's okay to feel sad. It really is. Because the people that you meet make a contribution to your life so being separated causes a vacuum that they filled with their love and friendship and laughter.
So I'll feel the sadness and the loss. I'll miss my family and my friends. I'll remember the great times, and the unique contributions these people have made to my life, and it will make me smile.
And I'll start again and make new friends because life wouldn't be so great without the love, friendship and laughter of others.
This morning we caught up with a friend and her two girls at a local park. My sister and her two boys ended up joining us too. When it was time to go my friend gave me a card and a hug, wished us good luck and reminded me to let her know when we're in town so we can make a play date.
And it suddenly hit me; this is my first goodbye.
And it made me sad.
Then I realised there are going to be more goodbyes over the next two weeks. And that made me sad too.
This afternoon we went and visited Poppy. He took the Little Big Fella around on the tractors and let him play with his remote control helicopter (even though the Little Big Fella thinks the point of it is to make it crash). And we had a cuppa and a cake. And we felt the coming separation and it was sad.
And it's okay to feel sad. It really is. Because the people that you meet make a contribution to your life so being separated causes a vacuum that they filled with their love and friendship and laughter.
So I'll feel the sadness and the loss. I'll miss my family and my friends. I'll remember the great times, and the unique contributions these people have made to my life, and it will make me smile.
And I'll start again and make new friends because life wouldn't be so great without the love, friendship and laughter of others.
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