I love the quiet of the night time.
The Fellas sleeping, with their rhythmic breathing (and occasional snores).
The still, and the sense of peace that sometimes comes.
I should have been in bed and asleep an hour ago, but I revel in this period of peace tonight.
So many things can happen throughout the day, and today hasn't been a great one.
But tonight I can let it all go.
I can remember the love I'm surrounded by each day and the joy I have of being with my Fellas.
I can smile as I remember my crazy Little Big Fella's happy face after a swim in our freezing pool, and how grumpy he was when Uncle Wazza woke him up from a good dream about a chocolate donut this morning.
I can feel the pride of my Big Fella as he and his uncle have worked through a list of construction and repair as long as your arm.
I can laugh at the "holiday" Uncle Wazza is having at our place, and the plans for another one around this time next year so he can "direct" the new roof extension at the back of the house.
Life is not perfect. It never can be. And horrible things happen all the time. People are mean, or rude, or frustratingly stupid. Tragedy hits and a friend's world is torn apart.
But in the still quiet of the night, I let the peace wash around me and restore my soul. I allow the hope and the light to refresh me. I see the joyful moments in my mind's eye and let the pain and bitterness be swept aside.
I wish I could create a formula so that this could work for me every night! I would love to be able to let it all go at the end of each day and start fresh every morning!
Alas, I am human!
So tonight, I will steal away some of my precious sleeping time to enjoy this sense of peace, and to pray for those dear friends in my life who I know are suffering.
And I will hope that tomorrow's sorrow is less, and that today's lessons are remembered as I toil in tiredness, kicking myself for not going to bed!
I think about death pretty regularly.
Not in a morbid or suicidal way, but in a practical and caring-for-others kind of way.
When we'd been married less than a year, the Big Fella was told that his chronic kidney condition could mean he had 5-15 years to live. Thanks to modern medicines, he's still alive and kicking along very well, with no obvious sign of the end in sight.
But that sudden shock at such an early part of our relationship got me thinking about what I would do if I was suddenly widowed. And I think about it briefly every few months still.
Would I stay where I am or move closer to family?
Would I need a different job?
How would the Little Big Fella go and would changing locations and schools be a bigger upset?
What would I do with all the mechanical stuff the Big Fella owns???
Could I bear to live in our house without him?
Who would look after my car???
After my Poppy's funeral in November 2014, I also started thinking about wills, and who knows I'd like to be an organ donor, and that I'd rather be cremated and sprinkled in a beautiful garden somewhere than buried, and what the purpose of a funeral is, and how could I help my loved ones go through that if I died?
Tonight while doing the dishes I was thinking about it all again, and wondering what the best way to communicate how much I love people would be. I've always wanted to write a song, and I could imagine doing that and having it played with a montage of photos of all the people I've loved throughout my life. It would probably make people cry a bit, but hopefully also laugh, and feel at peace.
I'd want my Fellas to know that I love them both so much, and even if our last words were angry, it couldn't take away from the love of a lifetime. I'm so exceptionally proud of my son, and my husband is so unique and talented that he could never be replaced.
By the way, I hate bagpipes at funerals. They're an instant tear-jerker for me in that environment! It's okay to cry at funerals but to do things that make people cry on purpose, that is a no-go for me.
The Big Fella has said that he wouldn't want a funeral because he'd be dead and wouldn't care. But I think a funeral is actually for the people left behind. It's time and a place to allow grief, and acknowledge that someone you've loved or admired has gone. It's like a line in the sand, a point in time that validates your loss.
But I also agree with him that funerals should be personal. If someone tried to play hymns at the Big Fella's funeral, I'd almost expect him to come back from the dead and deck them! He's NOT a fan of hymns. I'd imagine something from Disturbed or Five Finger Death Punch, or possibly Stone Sour would tickle his fancy a little more. If he died being hit by lightning, I'd guarantee he'd want "Thunderstruck" by ACDC!
It's funny. In Australia we don't deal with death very well (as a generalisation, of course). We're predominantly separated from death, and have a small window of opportunity to grieve socially when we lose someone. Everyone moves on with their lives, which is okay and normal, but then when the person who has suffered such a big loss remains in grief, we generally don't respond well because we don't know how to.
And then there are the platitudes and hurtful things people say without meaning to be horrible.
"You'll get over it"
"It could have been worse"
"I totally know how you feel! My cat died last year and I was devastated"
"There's a greater plan for your/their life"
Any of those things could be true, but they don't help the grieving person. They actually invalidate their pain and make them feel worse.
Wow! This has gone in a totally different direction to how I started! And now I'm not sure how to round it up and wrap it in a bow.
I guess I started out thinking about people I love, and all the different places I've lived and the people I've known, and what an impact they've all had on me. And I want you all to know that I've appreciated you! I've loved laughing with you, eating with you, playing with you, even crying with you. My life is infinitely richer for the people who are and have been in it.
So thank you!
Thank you for the long and short haul friends.
Thank you to my wonderful family, near and far, close and not-so-close.
You are the best parts of me because I couldn't be me without you.
Have you ever heard of "story stones"?
They're basically just rocks that have things drawn, painted or stuck on them. Things like people, vehicles, animals and symbols.
The idea is that children (normally pre-school ages) play with the stones and make up stories using the pictures as imagination boosters (because, you know, kids these days have no imagination!).
I saw the idea last year and quite liked the concept.
One of the girls at work is just about to go on maternity leave and I was invited to her "baby sprinkle" on the weekend. I've been thinking for a while about what to give her and had the brilliant thought on Friday night of making some story stones for her.
The idea was that her 2 year old daughter (who loves rocks) could play with them while she feeds the new baby, giving the daughter something fun to do while mum is busy.
So on Saturday I collected some rocks from the garden (I love that I didn't have to buy rocks!), washed and dried them, pulled out my paints and got started.
I quickly discovered that I'd need to paint a background because the paints weren't coming up very well straight on the rocks.
And I happily entertained myself for the majority of the day, fitting in a few loads of washing and making lunch.
Once I'd painted all my rocks, I took them outside and put several layers of clear spray acrylic over the painted surfaces to try to protect them. I mean, I'd hate to have gone to all that effort (also known as therapy, by the way) and have the pictures come off the first time they were played with! How frustrating would that be for my workmate's daughter???
On Sunday I bagged them up in a cute little bag I found in my stash and wandered around to the party. I had to wait until right at the end to see if she liked them and I was almost busting out of my skin by then!
Would you like to see my little masterpieces?
I'm really proud of them and I hope they provide relief for my workmate and entertainment for her daughter (and maybe later, her son).
Ah, bed time.
Kids hate it, adults daydream of it, insomniacs fear it.
I don't think I'm an insomniac, but recently I've found bed time... frustrating.
I go to bed much later than I ought to, then lay awake for too long, waking in the morning feeling somewhat less than refreshed.
And I think I may have discovered where my current problem with bed time is.
You see, bed time is a full stop to the day. My American friends would say the period of the day.
It's the end. Finito! All done! No more today!
And when my day feels insignificant, repetitive, boring, frustrating, lonely or whatever, I don't want it to end.
"What now?" I hear you say! "You don't want your crappy day to end??? Are you crazy, woman???"
Well, possibly, but that's not the point of this particular post!
When I get to bed time and my day has been unsatisfactory for whatever reason, I don't want to put the full stop on it. I stay up (often when I'm exhausted), hoping that I can put something that seems worthwhile, meaningful, purposeful into it before I let it go.
More often than not, I sit on the couch watching something I'm not overly interested in, or playing mindless games on my tablet, or scanning Facebook for something that will "make my day".
Don't get me wrong! I don't expect every day to be amazing and interesting and meaningful. That seems a bit unrealistic (even as a perfectionist).
And my husband and son are definitely worthwhile!
And I definitely appreciate my job and the adult interaction and sense of contribution I get from being there.
I guess there are just days where I feel like I've failed to live my life in a way that makes best use of my abilities, skills and talents.
I have a body that works almost perfectly, my mind is fairly sharp, I have financial resources, tons of compassion, I'm friendly, I can cook pretty well, I have a home that is comfortable and welcoming.
And some days I guess I get to bed time, to the full stop, and think to myself that I haven't given anywhere near what I can. And when I get a series of these days in a row, or weeks, or months I start to feel like I'm failing as a human.
But then the obvious answer is to DO something! Right?
But by the time I do the work and parenting thing, I have little energy left. And I live in a small town, where most of the things that I might be interested in are run during the day, while I'm at work.
And then I wonder if I'm just letting excuses run my life.
But I don't have the energy to fight the excuses.
After thinking along these lines for a couple of days, I think I might have just signed myself up for a task that's bigger than I originally thought. I hope it turns out to be good more than burdensome. Either way it contributes, and means I'll meet some more people, and I can use my skills to help others.
Who knows! Maybe I'll even be happy to put the full stop to more of my days!
Side note: I was watching TV too late the other night and MMA came on. I watched three fights altogether, and while the blood made me cringe, I really liked watching the fights! The skills they've developed, their speed and ability to maneuver each other is pretty impressive. Reminded me of how much fun Tae Kwondo was last year. Maybe I'll have to check out the local MMA training!
I'm pondering a little tonight.
I should really be in bed because tomorrow will be a big day, with a decent drive, lots of activity and an early start.
But, I'm pondering.
It seems that most of my life, I've run against the grain.
Growing up in a Christian home, I didn't believe the things most of the kids at school did.
As a pastor's daughter, there was often an element of separation from the rest of the congregation.
Being a people-pleaser, I didn't rebel like most of my friends during puberty.
Although I went to pubs and nightclubs, I never got the thrill out of it that others appeared to. And New Year's Eve, well, Bah Humbug!
I like to drink sometimes, but I never aim to get drunk (which seems to be the entire purpose of drinking for most people in Australia).
And it feels like I'm one of the few mothers in our area who works full-time, so I'm not involved in the school pick-up, P&C, or any of the "standard" mother-y things.
The thing is, 99% of the time, I'm quite happy to go against the grain of "normal". Even though I have down times, I love my life and the people I share it with!
As well as reflecting, I'm pondering if my against the grain-ness is a catalyst for something quite different. Because of my difference, could I be or do something different? (Of course I can, but will I?)
Welcome to the Easter weekend everyone! I hope you're having a great time with family and friends, taking time off from work, and reflecting on the sacrifice and gift that Easter symbolises.
I didn't mention earlier, but we had a deadline on our guest room makeover. The Big Fella's parents are here for the Easter weekend because it's the Little Big Fella's birthday on Easter Monday this year.
So, as promised, I have the end reveal photos for you all!
Here's a reminder of what we started with:
Drum roll please!
Ta da!!!!
We tried to include as much as we could without over-crowding the room.
All of the drawers and cupboards are empty and will remain that way so guests can empty their bags and feel completely at home. And there's plenty of room under the bed for suitcases or shoes or whatever while they're here.
We didn't quite get to it, but we have a wrought iron rail that we plan to install and hang a few wooden coat hangers, for those things that really don't want to be in drawers.
Obviously we've got the lamp, mirror, clock and tissues, but we've also included a USB charger in the wall next to the power points. Here's a close-up:
This way there's no need to search around the house for somewhere to re-charge your phone/s, tablet/s, fitbit or whatever. And no need to fight for charging time with all of the stuff that we've always got plugged in!
Our first guests have said that the bed is quite comfy. And we've provided a selection of pillow heights and weights without adding a billion that you have to put somewhere while you sleep!
So, what do you think? Who's coming to stay???
The Big Fella and I decided that because we're not really using the 3rd bedroom as an office (which is how we originally set it up), we'll turn it into a proper guest room.
It's now nearly done, and what we thought would be a pretty easy little makeover, turned into a standard Big Fella event (basically bigger than Ben Hur).
The majority of the furniture arrived earlier in the week, and the rest will be here on Sunday. So I thought I'd give you a little preview of the room before it's actually complete and fitted out!
This is the room as it was. An office-in-the-making, with a whole bunch of stuff that hadn't found homes after the move. We sold the desk, chair and the drawers (you can't really see them, but they're in the corner), and sorted and packed up the rest of the stuff (for now).
You can't really see in this photo, but there are those thin, aluminium blinds on the window.
Not for long!
Ta da!!! Empty room!
I did a fair bit of internet research and decided that I wanted a kind of simple, modern French style in the room, probably with pale steel blue walls, curtains, and a few stylish but simple touches to the room.
I had wall colours, linen and decor pretty much mapped out, and it was all based on a white bed (the room is small so I wanted to make it feel bigger with lighter furniture). Maybe something like this:
But when we bought furniture for the Little Big Fella's room a few years ago, we didn't see the furniture in person and we greatly regretted it. So picked out a free Saturday and drove to the big town 2 hours away and looked at furniture.
It became clear, very quickly, that the Big Fella couldn't stand the furniture I'd been thinking of. We went to several stores and every time I went anywhere near something white, he'd say how poorly it was made and write it off straight away.
Okay. Where to from here????
In the first store we went to, we saw this bedroom setting, which the Big Fella loved and I didn't mind:
After driving around and looking at LOTS of bedroom settings, we ended up at the end of the day back at this store. It was the ONLY setting we'd seen all day that we both like, so we placed the order.
On the way home we were talking and the Big Fella asked if I was happy with our choice. I couldn't honestly say yes, because everything I'd planned had to be changed. The paint colours, the linen, the window furnishings, the lighting... everything!
I had to go back to the drawing board.
I was looking through a magazine and came across this:
The picture rail caught my attention, possibly because we have similar paneling (but only part way up the wall) in the dining/lounge areas. I showed it to the Big Fella, who pointed out that the ceiling is painted the same colour as the majority of the wall, which he quite liked.
We'd been looking at colours in a couple of paint brochures, and were leaning toward those in the "stone" ranges. We decided to go to the local hardware store and choose the paint and get started.
They didn't stock the paint range that we were looking at, and the colours they did stock didn't match. So we chose the closes thing:
But before we could paint, we needed to make some changes.
The ugly blue light shade HAD to go, as did the aluminium blinds.
We'd originally talked about putting in pendant lamps as bedside lighting, but the small roof cavity and awkward ducting changed our minds. Instead, we ended up putting 4 LED downlights in the room.
The Little Big Fella helped his Dad get everything ready for the electrician.
We did a couple of other little things (to be revealed) and then the painting could begin!
The photo doesn't show the picture rail and the contrast with the main wall colour, but once it dried, it looked fantastic!
The Big Fella was on a bit of a high that afternoon (possibly an effect of the paint in a small room!!!) and said he wanted to rip up the ugly, brown carpet before the furniture arrived.
I was somewhat hesitant.
Pulling up the carpet hadn't been part of the plan (it was on the list for the future but would take a bit more money than we wanted to spend at this stage). I asked if he was willing to put in all that extra effort, and place himself under extra pressure at this point in time.
He was eager to do it.
Bye bye, ugly, brown carpet!
Hello beautiful, already polished (but obviously not in perfect condition) hardwood floors!!!!!
What an awesome surprise!!!! I messaged my friend, J, who'd had a similar experience about 10 years ago and she celebrated the discovery with us.
So, now for the sneak peek!
Full reveal to come!!!!!
